i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
