I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
