I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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