She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
