i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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