This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
