Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
