Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
