i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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