The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How does it feel to date your dad?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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