his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Blood and glitter go together right?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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