I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
