Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
