hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
