i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
