i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
