Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
third nipple confirmed
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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