i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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