The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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