i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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