Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
