is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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