and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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