I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
