i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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