You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
