i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I didn't notice because vodka
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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