I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
