Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
