I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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