At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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