Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
