if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
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He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
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Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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