I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
