I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
