Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
