Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
