apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
