Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
