Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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