i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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