that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
