If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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