I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
