you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
