I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You are the jesus of drinking
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
