i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
