just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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