my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
