My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
