We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
