He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
People in love make me want to vomit
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
