I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
