I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
